The Next Time Someone Pisses You Off, Remember This Story

Captain Habits may be on to something

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“Hey, Laia!” I shouted from my office. “Do you have any idea what a bad word is for a woman that starts with a K and ends with an N?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” my wife shot back. “You’re the native English speaker, not me!”

“It’s just that some woman left this encrypted comment on one of my articles saying I’m the male version of a K that ends with an N.”

“Google it dammit! I gotta finish work!”

“I think I got it,” I said moments later in a questioning tone. “I think she’s referring to me as the male version of a Karen.”

“Ah, of course,” my wife giggled. “That sounds about right. You are a bit of a Karen!”

“Why are you laughing? I can hear you laughing. Is this fun for you? I just googled what Karen means and it says they’re members of an indigenous tribe in Eastern Burma!”

“It’s not Burma anymore you idiot,” my wife replied, “it’s Myanmar!”

Before I knew it, my wife appeared right next to me while hopping on her right foot and kicking with her left

“Are you dancing? I snarled while scrolling through Google definitions surprised by the flexibility of the word Karen. “Why are you dancing? I thought you had to finish work?”

“It can wait,” she said. “I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun!”

“There! There!” My wife shouted so loudly I swore she began levitating. “Read there! Right there!”

I steadied my jittery hand and scrolled to where my wife was pointing and began to read — “Karen is a pejorative term for women seeming to be entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is normal. The term also refers to memes depicting white women who use their privilege to demand their own way.”

After doing one last Google search to learn “pejorative” wasn’t a very nice thing either, I sat back in disgust.

“The nerve of that woman,” I thought to myself. “Me? A male version of a Karen? I was just trying to say that sometimes it’s okay to complain. Is that some sort of online crime?”

“Slow your roll,” my wife said fully aware of where my head was going. “You have over a million claps on your articles and a football stadium full of people who like your work. You’re going to let one negative comment from someone you don’t even know ruin your day? Is that really how you want to live? Pissed about the words of someone you’ve never even met?”

“Slide over,” she then said motioning for me to make room on my chair, “That guy James Clear shared something in his newsletter for this exact situation.”

“Wait a second,” I said in a beaten-down tone, “I thought you said you hated self-help? You read James Clear’s newsletter but I have to beg you to read mine?”

“You’re focusing on the wrong part of the story,” she said while gently patting my left thigh. “Don’t take it personally, you know he’s miles ahead of you.”

“First I learned that I’m a Karen, and now my wife is telling me she prefers Captain Habits over her own husband.”

“Would you please just shut up and read this, it could save you from a headache!”

I took my glaring eyes off my wife and began to begrudgingly read James’s advice. It took me all of eight seconds to realize the three questions he shared may have some value.

• Does this need to be said?

• Does this need to be said by me?

• Does this need to be said by me right now?

I looked back at my wife. I looked back at the woman’s comment. I looked back at the questions. And then in a moment of pure bliss, for the next eight and a half minutes, I typed out the evilest response the world has ever seen to the woman who had the audacity to belittle me before highlighting what I’d written, hitting delete, and closing my computer.

Captain Habits may have been giving advice for questions to ask yourself when arguing with someone face-to-face so you don’t burn your house down with a barely lit match. But his words also apply to not falling into the online trap of going piss for piss with someone over something that’s not even that pissy.

I’ve been writing online for seven years. I may not follow American pop culture and know the versatility of the word “Karen,” but in all those years, I’ve never once seen an online argument end with the words —“Hey, stranger, you’re totally right and I’m totally wrong. Let’s be besties!”

Think of James’s three questions the next time someone makes your blood beat red. Ask yourself: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now?

Then remind yourself that taking someone’s bait and spending your time arguing over something trivial — even if it’s clearly not true like me being called a Karen — isn’t a great way to spend what little time you have left on this spinning ball called Hell.

I wasn’t very happy about being called a “K that ends with an N.”

And I’m definitely not pleased it’s my wife’s new nickname for me and my monster kids can’t stop laughing about it while calling me a snapperhead.

But looking back, I’m glad it happened.

The experience reminded me that if you say yes to things that don’t matter, you have less energy to focus on the things that do.

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Thank you for reading.
My very best to you and yours.
—Michael