To know how you feel about something, say goodbye
Or, wisdom from my wife to zero in on what matters most
My wife and I recently made a big life decision.
We traded in our spacious apartment at the base of the Pyrenees mountains and moved into a small apartment near the Mediterranean Sea.
If it were just us, downsizing wouldn’t have been a big deal as we try to live light. But with two growing kids with a deep passion for all things toys, we spent much of last summer in negotiation mode.
In the beginning, my wife and I were getting spanked. Not gently. It seemed like the dustier the toy, the more our kids put up a fight. Things really got heated when our youngest burst into tears at the thought of donating his mini-sandbox despite us moving to the beach.
But the tides began to shift thanks to my wife doing something really smart.
“I’ve got an idea,” she said one afternoon. “Each night, until we move, we’re going to put five of the toys you haven’t played with in a while by the front door to donate, and in the morning, you get to keep the one you missed the most.”
I’m not going to pretend this solved all our problems.
Kids can be persuasive.
Some mornings, one toy turned into two.
But regardless, it was interesting to see that the very idea of saying goodbye to a bunch of toys gave our kids clarity on which ones were worth keeping.
“If it doesn’t matter, get rid of it. If you can’t get rid of it, it matters.”
My wife’s actions reminded me of the value of this thought courtesy of Banksy. It’s a good thing to keep in mind. But rather than permanently cut something out of your life, test the waters first by temporarily saying goodbye to it.
Even though I didn’t have the words for it, I’ve done this numerous times in my life. From stepping back from certain people to get a gauge on how much they mean to me to getting clear on how much I liked what I was doing professionally.
I did this very thing with publishing online for much of 2022 and 2023. It used to light me up. And don’t get me wrong, I love writing. But what I don’t enjoy at times is the online aspect as I wasn’t born with apps on my lap and I didn’t like the direction I was heading of spending more and more time online.
So when life got hectic — and since a big part of the hectic involved people I’ll never want to say goodbye to — my online life was the first to go.
To my surprise, after I got back into the rhythm of “full-time real-world,” even though writing online has been a big part of my life over the previous six years, I considered saying goodbye for good.
But something interesting happened around the six-month mark as every time I had a few hours to myself, I’d get an itch to start digitally-scribbling.
And in those moments, I knew I was close to saying hello again.
If you’re on the fence about something, give this exercise a shot.
The beauty of it is you don’t have to leave something for very long or even at all. Simply take the time to imagine you had to say goodbye to something and really sit with the honest feelings that rise to the surface.
“Would I wake up feeling incomplete if this wasn’t in my life?”
“Is this holding me back from something that matters more right now?”
“Would I have more energy for this if I gave it some space?”
Responsibilities stack as we get older. Decisions on how we spend our time and who we spend our time with become more and more important — the adult equivalent of choosing one out of five toys.
I’ll write for the rest of my life. But my kids won’t stay young forever and many of my loved ones won’t be around forever.
Saying goodbye helped bring what matters most into a better perspective. By doing so, it also created the much-needed space to better prioritize making more present memories.
Like most people, I want it all.
I don’t want to say goodbye to aspects of my life that I love. But like a lot of writers I know, I also have an obsessive personality. And sometimes, we need to take inventory to ensure we’re obsessing about the right things.
What’s temporary?
What aspects of your life do you want to be permanent?
I fell off track for a bit regarding the things that matter most.
Saying goodbye reminded me of the things I never want to stop saying hello to.
Make space to ensure you’re carrying the right things with you.
If you want to know how you feel about something, say goodbye.
Thank you for reading.
My very best to you and yours.
—Michael
When you say goodbye to something you love and leave a back door open, the breeze that comes through will do one of two things...slam that door shut hard, or blow it further open so that you can welcome in another hello.
Michael, were you a bug in my conversation this morning? As dear friend was telling me about how her work is overwhelming her life (and making her gain too much weight). She said she is contemplating a 6-month sabbatical so she can get perspective. I about jumped out of my chair with enthusiasm in support of the idea...and then six hours later I read this post...and sent it off to her before I even finished reading.
I've been playing with the word "retreat". We take retreats to rejuvenate, to replenish, to get perspective. But we also NEED retreats when we have been in the battle for too long and we feel like we are losing. That step back, that retreat, that "goodbye" gives us space to survey the bigger picture and either return - or not - with fresh energy.
big theme in my life right now. thank you once again.
Writers with obsessive personalities? Where did you get that idea? Or did you just see my light on at 2 am this morning?