I asked a bunch of self-help haters to rip apart my "cute little" articles

Here are the profound words they had to say about them

Photo by Crypto Crow from Pexels

It didn’t take me long after moving to Spain from the US to realize that most Europeans think self-help sucks. The majority of my friends loathe it with the same intensity as they do people who tell them smoking kills. 

For a long time, to avoid the jabs, pumping out weekly self-help articles was my dirty little secret. However, during quarantine, I came out of the closet and began sending them my articles along with viral ones other people had written as a way to have a laugh. 

Initially, their comments stung. They couldn’t believe I was funding my life by telling other people how to live theirs. But over time, their little European punches began to hurt a little less.

I was sure this little experiment would only last a month or two before they’d ask me to stop poisoning their inbox. But to my surprise, they really got a kick out of tearing them apart and it’s turned out to be one of the first things we talk about when we get together.

I’ve been somewhat sober for the last decade, but my friends don’t believe in sobriety, so if you hear any hostility in their voices, it’s definitely them being hostile.

So as a break from what my friends describe as “cute little” articles, here are 30 thoughts about the state of the self-help world from a group of guys who prefer 80s drugs over popping gummies.

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1. Oh, super, another person telling us they found themselves when traveling in Asia. You want to impress me? Move to Iowa and figure out a way to be happy.

2. Whenever people in Spain fail with a business they go into hiding. In America, it seems like they immediately become a coach or a writer.

3. Money. Money. Money. Americans love to talk about money. I just read something actually useful about why Finnish people are consistently rated the happiest people in the world. The number one reason: they don’t brag about how much money they make. Screens don’t create depression. The stuff on their screens does.

4. It’s pretty ironic Americans are obsessed with Stoicism but can’t stop fighting. Then again, I get it. If I was pissed off and some dude began quoting Marcus Aurelius, I’d kick him in the beans.

5. I skipped breakfast this morning because I got ripped last night on the old devil’s dandruff. Does that mean I can write an article about how intermittent fasting has changed my life?

6. This guy just wrote an article about the importance of learning from your mistakes and then quoted Elon Musk who’s been married like 37 times.

7. If I did everything this article said I should do before breakfast my boss would yell at me for showing up to work after lunch.

8. Of course, people look up to (and I quote) Tony Bobbins. The dude’s like two meters tall. If he were short, I’d be willing to bet people wouldn’t listen to a word he says.

9. The world would be a much better place if all these people who wrote articles about the importance of ‘disappearing to find yourself’ actually disappeared. 

10. If you read articles like ’99 Signs Your Life Is On The Right Track’ your life is probably on the wrong track.

11. How old is this kid? He looks like he’s 12 and he’s writing about effective decision making. Who does that? Here’s a good decision — don’t tell other people how to live their lives until you can grow a beard. He probably still lives with his parents and gets angry when his mom forgets to make her famous guacamole for Taco Tuesday.

12. I don’t know who I dislike more right now, you for writing this article or the person who corrected your grammar in the comments.

13. Is this dude really suggesting I ask people I’ve just met what they’re grateful for? ‘Hi, I’m Joan, what are you grateful for?’ I’m sorry, but that’s weird. This person clearly needs to observe more human interactions instead of writing so much.

14. This is a joke, right? Who does all these things? We have one of the highest life expectancy rates in the world and I don’t know anyone who has a morning routine that doesn’t involve cursing as they get out of bed because they can’t find their cigarettes.

15. Never stop pushing your comfort zone? Come on man. If that guy ever came to my house I’d make him sit on the floor and spank him if he complained that it was uncomfortable.

16. I hope this dude who wrote this article about how having kids is overrated — despite not having f*cking kids — comes back as a used diaper.

17. I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow I see an article entitled, ‘Now that I’m 34, here are 102 things I wish I knew when I was 33.’ The absurdity is hard for me to wrap my little head around.

18. If I see one more article about how someone saves 20 hours a week by doing basic shit, I’m going to hunt them down and poke holes in their condoms. Then, I’ll call them in 9 months to ask them how productive they are. Actually, that’s a waste of time — there’s no way that guy gets laid.

19. How the hell is drinking water an unsexy habit”? I watch my neighbor Nuria drink water every day, it’s sexy as hell. Time stands still. I guess the word unsexy got me to click though, so I lost.

20. My English isn’t well. But how in the hell is writing articles every day considered ‘passive income’? I have a monthly salary. Does that mean I have passive income because I still get my check even though 16 hours a day I’m not a work? That’s it, I’m starting a blog. I’ll call it ‘Pablo the Passive Income Pirate! I’m going to be rico!

21. I predict the main reason couples get divorced in 2030 is because of all these side hustle articles. “Hey honey, can you help with dinner, please? And maybe, just maybe say hello to your kids?” “Can’t babe. I’m reading an article about how make money on YouTube so we can live a rich life!

22. Build wealth? Do Americans really say that? ‘Sit down Little Doory or whatever weird f*cking name is cool in the US right now, today I’m going to teach you how to build wealth.’ F*ck that guy! And f*ck that expression!

23. I don’t know who I dislike more, people who don’t pick up their dog’s shit or people who write articles about how these 9 quotes from Dalai Lama will change my life.

24. Last year when doing this, making six figures was everyone’s life goal. Now it seems like you’re a moron if you aren’t a millionaire. That’s what’s wrong with self-help — they don’t understand the word ‘enough.’

25. I don’t know about you but reading an article about how not to procrastinate seems like the very definition of procrastinating.

26. This person considers comparing yourself to other people a ‘tiny bad habit.’ Does that mean kicking kittens is a ‘tiny bad habit’ also?

27. I couldn’t imagine living in a country where most of the articles around the holidays are about how to survive spending time with your friends and family. I get it, some people have it rough. But do that many people need advice on how to talk to their in-laws without needing a painkiller?

28. I’d be willing to bet some of these people make more money quoting books than the people who actually write them. Actually, that’s what’s wrong with self-help—the people who don’t do the work, get paid.

29. The world would be a much kinder place if people stopped reading self-help articles and thought about how they could help other people more.

30. I don’t know why people are worried about ChatGPT. Most of the articles I’ve read look like a robot wrote them anyway. Please stop sending me this shit. This little experiment you have is over!

So there you have it. I wasn’t expecting their comments to be as harsh as they were. But if you can’t laugh at yourself then what’s the point?

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Oh, and if you don’t hate self-help as much as my buddies, you may like my new book. Here’s what one of them said about it —

“This sucks.”
—Joan Vilaseca

Shy by Design: 12 Timeless Principles to Quietly Stand Out

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Thanks for reading.
—Michael